Have you ever said yes and then regretted it? I don't mean the big issues - sex, love, marriage, children. I mean the small things - when someone asks you to help out or to do something that seemed like it wasn't that big a deal -  just something that you thought you could do - had the time to do - and then found yourself wondering, what the hell have I done? And wishing you could take it back - but being too proud and kind of embarrassed to say so?

I did that recently. I am a member of the JCOGS, the  Jewish Community Center of Greater Stowe, Vermont, and in July, I was asked to do something that I'm now really regretting.

Before I go further, a little background. When I moved to Vermont, I thought there were four Jews in the whole state. Me, Ben and Jerry of the ice cream fame, and Bernie Sanders. I was wrong, of course. There are Jews in Vermont, just not as many as in New Jersey, where I lived before.  There is a reform temple in Montpelier, half an hour away, There is a Chabad House in Burlington, where the orthodox hang out and into which a young woman to whom I mistakenly said, Shabbat Shalom tried to drag me one Saturday afternoon. Then, there's JCOGS in Stowe, a vibrant congregation of maybe 200 people - some of whom are only part-time residents, but still they're members. Ironically, before World War II, Stowe was a restricted town. Jews were not allowed to buy real estate, and were excluded from staying at hotels or variously lodgings for tourists.

I am very proud of my Jewish heritage, but I am not religious. I was raised in a Conservative Jewish synagogue, but my current religious beliefs are somewhere between agnostic and believing in something that is best described as "the Force". (See Star Wars.) 

I hadn't been a member of a synagogue since I lived at home with my parents. I joined JCOGS in the aftermath of Charlottesville, when Nazis marched with tiki torches, chanting, Jews Shall Not Replace US.  Joining JCOGS was my way to defy those chants. Joining JCOGS was my way of standing with my fellow Jews.

There's also the fact that since I lost both my parents, I have gone to services a few times a year, not because I really believe, but to honor their memories. In Judaism, on the anniversary of the death of a close relative - parent, child, spouse, sibling - one is supposed to light a candle that burns for 24 hours (a Yarzeit candle) and to say Kaddish, a prayer for the dead. My parents would have wanted me to say Kaddish for them. I don't really think that they know I'm doing it, but I do so in their memory. I also go to services for the High Holy Days, Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippour, Day of Atonement - for the same reason I go to services on the anniversaries of my parents' deaths.

So, back to my original story: saying yes and regretting it. In early July, I was at a JCOGS function, chatting with Claudia, the woman who sets up part of the service, and she asked me to be one of the readers of the Torah for the  High Holy Days.

Now, for all of you unfamiliar with Judaism, the Torah is the sacred first five books of Moses. A Torah scroll is written in Hebrew by hand, with a quill, on a special type of parchment, which can take a year and a half. A new Torah can cost upwards of $30,000, and the Torah, as both sacred and expensive, is kept in a special enclosure at the front of the synagogue, and to be taken out on the Sabbath (Shabbat) and designated holidays (like Rosh Hashanah). The day's selected portion is chanted in front of the congregation, and readings are spaced out so that the entire Torah is read every year. The holiday Simcha Torah celebrates the conclusion of the year's cycle and the beginning of the new cycle of reading.

So back to my story: I was asked to "read" ( really, I wouldn't be reading, I'd be chanting) one of the Torah readings for Rosh Hashanah. Now, I did go to Hebrew school for six years; I did have the celebration of my formal entry as an adult into the congregation at the age of 13 - otherwise known as a Bat Mitzvah. I still remember enough to be able to follow the Hebrew prayer book, even if I only understand a few of the words. So, when asked to read the Torah, while I was a bit hesitant, I thought I could maybe do it. With work.

Claudia, who organizes the Torah readings, chanted a few words and asked me if I could repeat it. I did. She complimented my voice, and said she could make a tape of the portion I'd have to chant, and she would really appreciate my agreeing. She was having trouble finding enough readers.

Couple other points on Judaism: Reading the Torah is one of the biggest honors that you can receive in the synagogue, but I'd never done it, not even back in my sort of religious days after my Bat Mitzvah. Why? I'm female. There are three branches of Judaism:Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform. (There are subsets of each, but this is a blog not a treatise.) In Orthodox Judaism, there are a lot of rules about what you can eat, what you can do on holidays (ie. driving, no-no), and on the role of women. Women not only do not read the Torah, they do not sit with men. Depending on how strict the congregation is, the women either sit behind a wall but can actually see the service, or somewhere so restrictive they can't see anything (or, more importantly, be seen). The reform movement was the equivalent of Jewish hippies. The services had more English than Hebrew (at least in my childhood) services were cut down from three hours, give or take, to about an hour, employed instruments, and by 1972, women could become rabbis. As previously stated, I grew up Conservative - somewhere in between reform and orthodox - and which kept most of the prayer formats and rituals but was much less restrictive. When I was young, while women and men sat together, women were not rabbis and did not read from the Torah. That has all changed - within Conservative Judaism. Women are rabbis and have equal status.

JCOGS welcomes all denominations of Jews - but does have the equality of women and men within its services.

The idea of reading from the Torah, something forbidden to me as a young woman, was appealing. Claudia's compliments on my voice were an added inducement, as was the idea of calling up people on the orthodox side of my family, and saying guess what.

I said yes.

Now, here I am, almost two months before Rosh Hashanah, trying desperately to learn the Hebrew and the chants - and thinking, what have I done? I have a novel to edit - I am participating in a stand-up contest at the end of August and have to work on my act. I am also trying to write a least one blog a week. And what am I doing? I am listening over and over to a taped rendition of the portion I am supposed to read, and not convinced that even with two months to go, I'll get it down.

If I believed in G-d (note - it's a very Jewish thing to not put the O in the word for the Supreme Being, even if one does not believe in said Supreme Being), I might believe that He (She) is having a good laugh at me right now. 

I'd back out, but Claudia just sent out an email, asking if anyone wants to read a second portion. She still doesn't have enough readers. I'd back out, but then I'd have to quit JCOGS, and I don't want to quit. 

So, I guess I'm going to do it. Kvetching (complaining) all the way. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.  

It's almost August, and the summer is quickly disappearing. What did you plan to do this summer? Write? Edit? Learn a new language? Plant a garden? What did you actually accomplish?  

I'll start. I had planned to edit an old novel for publication, finish writing a new novel, polish a couple stand-up routines, and continue working on my guitar and learning French. What have I accomplished? Hmm. Not much.  I'm forty pages into my edit. I haven't written anything new, except posts. I have rough drafts of a couple stand-up sets, but they DO need work. Lots of work. Pas de French. Also pas de guitar. Not nearly what I'd hoped to accomplish.

So where did the time go?

Granted, the surgery that has had me recuperating on my couch for longer than I'd thought it would - threw me off. As did leaving Rogue Women Writers - which pushed me into revamping my website and rethinking my social media presence and was a distraction in other ways. But still, I'm disappointed in how little I've gotten done versus what I'd planned.

I've spent way too much time watching old movies, watching news, and reading - both novels and articles. I've spent way too much time on Facebook, obsessing over national craziness and personal slights. And, I know if I weren't stuck on this couch, I'd be out walking in the beautiful Vermont summer, and taking photos. Oh, wait, photography. Something else I'd planned to do that I haven't done. (I have way too many interests and hobbies.)

So once again, I wind up disappointed in myself - and blaming myself for not working harder. Not focusing. (I do have ADHD -another topic.) And this is a familiar - and circular - dynamic. I set goals. I don't meet the goals. I'm disgusted at myself for not meeting the goals - which makes it harder to focus on those goals because, after all, what's the point, just going to mess up.

Setting goals for the summer seems a sure fire path to failure.

Is the solution not to have goals? Not to have any goals seems defeatist as well. To have fewer goals? Or maybe trying not to look so far ahead?  Yes, it's very human to try to plan far ahead, but as the Yiddish saying goes, Man plans, God laughs.

So maybe - just set a daily goal. It could be small. It should be specific. Edit ten pages.  Do one rewrite of a stand-up. Write a blog post. Stay the hell off Facebook. And at the end of the summer, maybe I can look back on the small day-by-day accomplishments - and say, hey, that didn't suck.

Or not.

What do you think?

This is my first official post, following my separation from Rogue Women Writers. I bet you're wondering if there's a story behind my leaving. Of course. There's a story behind everything. But nothing in life is free. If you want the details, send me an SASE and twenty bucks and wait six months - and then maybe you'll get something back. Maybe you won't. But it'll be a nice trip down memory lane of the fun of sending out an SASE and waiting for the response, for those of you old enough to have had the pleasure.

Alternatively, buy me a couple drinks at one of the conferences. It'll cost you more than twenty bucks, most likely, given the prices at most of the hotels, and hey, it'll be fun. And I'll tell some jokes as well. Hell, for a couple drinks, I'll do a whole stand-up routine - and I have a whole new set I'm dying to try out.

Then again, maybe we just meet for high tea and scones. I like scones, especially with chocolate chips. Years ago, when I visited England, I loved high tea. Broke up the afternoon. And the teapot and the tea cups were charmingly decorative. But I'm also kind of a klutz, although I've been working on my coordination. So, in the middle of our afternoon scones and classical conversation,  I may spill the tea. By accident. Maybe.

In any event, this will be my new blog space. I will continue to write about writing, about comedy, about Vermont, about life, and generally whatever happens to come to mind. I will continue to make jokes about and explain aspects of Jewish life in America. However, since there's only moi writing this blog, I am not setting a definitive schedule. If my particular writing style and my sense of humor appeals to you, check in from time to time.  For now, just waving hello.